40 Days of Inner Voice – Day 7

I'M GOING TO BE EMOTIONAL, OK?

I am so over being told not to cry.

Maybe they don't say it directly, but they'll say things like, “Calm down, it's not that big of a deal.” Or “You don't really need to cry over this.”

No wonder crying has been a whole thing for me most of my life. Just imagine the messaging I was getting all before I was six or seven about it.

If I'm crying, I'm meant to be crying.

It's just emotional weather, after all. 

I realize it is just their discomfort and/or conditioning that has them telling me not to cry. I do get that. I suppose I'm doing the same thing to them that they're doing to me, in a way. I'm thinking they shouldn't be having their natural reaction to what is occuring. Just as they're doing to me. Ok, ok, I see that.

So then, can I be ok with crying, without them being ok with my crying?

That's the real question.

And that's the hard one.

I feel more tears coming up as I type that.

The undefined emotional solar plexus is a real thing. I feel it so deeply. The desire to people please, even just so much as to have the emotional affect that is desired by them so they're not uncomfortable (so that I'm not uncomfortable taking in and reflecting their discomfort back at them). Ooof. 

Today has been a real down day, and then I had that exchange. You would think I'm PMSing because this is normally how I am right before I bleed. But no, this is me, day five or six. And that's ok.

The mind today is gripping hard and panicing about this whole letting go of the need to do things “so that” we make money for this 40 day experiment now. It was relatively chill the first six days. But now, now it's spiraling quite a bit. It's started gathering all of its evidence for it's freak out. It's started to strategize what all we need to be doing.

And I'm practicing allowing it. All of it.

Even though it feels incredibly terrible. 

I trust all is well. (Because it truly is.) 

I trust I will be guided to the next thing, when the time is correct. (Because I always am.)

I trust the recognition and invitation will be divinely placed. (As always.)

I trust I'm not doing anything wrong. (Because I am leaning into the alerts and pings I'm designed to have.)

I trust I'll be laughing about this later. (Because I pretty much always do.)

Money Received: $0.00

Money Invested: $11.44

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